There are times in my life when I feel like there’s truly no point in going on. It’s not that nothing will happen. Quite the opposite. It scares me when I know things are going to change. I don’t want things to change so I’d rather not continue. Life is just so fucking daunting, you know?
I’m happy knowing things are happening in my life. Good or bad. I’m happy with it. It’s monotony that makes me want to die. Monotony is what makes life not worth living for me. When everything is always the same, so much so that the days begin to blend together, what’s the point in living?
So, as you can see, there’s quite the dilemma there. It almost seems like I always want to die, huh? The thing is though, that I don’t always want to die. There are these moment when I’m perfectly fine. It’s not often, but it does happen. So, yes, most of the time death is the best answer I can think of, but not always. I love those moments. Those moment are the reason I’m still, I’m still breathing. Is it the best reason to stay alive? Of course not! But there is no bad reason to stay alive. There are certainly unconventional reasons, but whatever the reason, it’s a good reason to stay alive. It may not seem like it, but anything can be your reason. As long as you’re still here and you want to be here for something or another, I think that’s what healing is. Eventually you find other reasons, but if it’s just that one for the longest time, it’s okay. Anything can be a good thing.
So I have recently been taking a mood stableizer, and it's been really helping me. I feel like I'm getting back to my peak. I don't really have suicidal thoughts anymore. Sure, they pop up somtimes, but it's not often anymore. Things are working ver well for me currently.
It's been awhile since I've updated this. I think it would be best to assume that I'll just update once a month, which, in my opinion, isn't that bad. Anywho, I'm doind semi well lately. The last few weeks have been really rough, but I think I'm doing okay again. I was very suicidal, but obviously I didn't go through with it. And now look at me! I'm actually looking forward to the next year. I have some new year's resolutions, most of them just being things I want to try. Like yoga. People seem to really ike that. And it does look fun. I'm gonna try to get someone to do it with me. We'll see how well that works out though. I've been a bit wonky with my medication, which is probably a really bad thing. But it has a long half life, so taking it every other dat doesn't seem so bad. Not in my opinion. That doesn't mean try it yourself. I'm not mentally sound, so don't copy me. I've been spending a lot of time with friends and I'm actually building stronger relationships. It's a bit strange though because I'm not used to thinking of people being in my life for the longterm. I'm basically always mentally prepared for people to leave my life. That might sound really sad or pathetic, but I don't get my feelings hurt when those that I consider friends stop wanting to spend time with me. So, I think I'm winning. And that's my update! As of the last few days, I've been doing pretty well.
Well, hello again. I've some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I'm doing some fun stuff, I'm doing well at my job, and I've people in my life that I know care about me. The bad news is that I'm still suicidal. Everyday, I feel like there's just no point in going on. Like, I have no solid plans for the future, I've no idea of where I'm going, and I find that so fucking daunting. There are really no stressers in my life right now, but my mental health is still getting worse. So, once I go to my next psychiatry apointment, I'm gonna ask to switch medications. The Prozac was working so well for so long, but now it just seems to be making me feel worse. Switching medications is fucking horrifying. I feel like I'm starting all over again and it's gonna be even worse this time around. I don't know for sure, but it really feels like that. Obviously, my doctor will be able to tell me what to expect and will likely make it so things won't be so terrible. But it's still scary. Last time I was there she suggested I go on a mood stableizer along with my Prozac. And maybe that is the answer. I can be so happy in one moment and then sad in the next. I'll be having a great time with a friend, then I'll suddenly just want to cave in on myself.
So there's my update. It's not a great update, but it could be so much worse. I'm struggling to keep looking on the bright side that this might one day not be a problem for me, but I am still trying. I could be trying harder, yes, but right now, this is all I can manage.
Solomon talks about his and many others' experiences with depression and suicidal thoughts. He focuses on how people react to the disease and how they recover or don't. Because I've been dealing with depression and suicidal ideation for years now, I could relate to most of what he said. I could really relate to his description of depression in regards to insight. I still feel as though what I see and experience with my depression is really what life is. Life is pointless and grimy. The medication I'm taking isn't making me me, it's making me someone else. I know, realistically, that that's not true, but it's hard to ignore what you feel. This TedTalk inspires me. It puts my depression into perspective. Though it's terrible, it makes me feel numb sometimes, I am thankful for it. Because of my depression, because of my awareness of it, I'm privileged in being able to use it to enrich my life. Because I'm made constantly aware of how short and awful life is, I can focus on things that make me happy and not feel guilty about focusing on those things instead of the horrors going on around the world. Depression is allowing me to live more fully than I think could have without it. Like Solomon, I'm thankful for my depression.